life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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