even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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