Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
