just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
zippers are such a cool invention
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
