Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
