i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
