I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
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