1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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