Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
