found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
