i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
