Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
