I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
