This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
