we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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