hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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