I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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