"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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