Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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