yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
