I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
where are my eyebrows?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
