My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
