We need to rekindle our bromance
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
