Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
