New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
