Can i not drive my cunt home
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
