i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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