Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
