Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
