I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Dick very happy bro
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
