You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
