I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize