Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
