and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
you had me at cake vodka
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
