god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
