so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize