I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
