Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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