That's when you crack a 10am beer
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize