the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
