Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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