I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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