I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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