I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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