This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
