really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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