Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Are my feet made of real feet?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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