I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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