Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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