If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Every concussion has its silver lining
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize