I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Everyone says I win the strip club
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
