neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
