god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
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