The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
