you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
