Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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