Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
