My Higher Power is John Stamos
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
