I was born with a shot glass in my hand
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
