at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize